I was a little insulted that Eben Franckewitz claimed he looks like Justin Bieber. Eben, it’s time for some real talk: You are not pulling Selena Gomez, nor an insane groupie claiming you smuggled a lovechild into her uterus in a Staples Center bathroom, anytime soon. Can you play the drums? Would you make a disturbingly attractive woman if the genital lottery had turned out differently? Can you even afford a swagger coach? Biebs is more than just a haircut, you cherub-faced punk. He is a haircut and a $1,000 pair of sneakers. Step off.